2023 - A Year of Failure
Reflections on a very hard year... looking forward, in courage; and Lessons from the Oak & the Aspen.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
- Winston Churchill
Failure is a difficult concept to swallow for many of us. Experiencing it may cause us to never go after the things that we’ve dreamt of, or it may prevent us from returning to the task, or idea, where we once knew defeat (“once bitten, twice shy”).
I would wager that failure is one of the greatest presiding fears (perhaps 2nd to success, or a degree of self-actualization) across our population. Yet many successful people are failing all the time.
Looking back over this past year of 2023, I have to sit with a great many failures. This doesn’t simply include the year itself, but the residue of past failures, or failures simmering on the back burner that became more front and center to me.
None of it involves not trying hard enough, although it may involve not having applied myself adequately.
Failures in relationship, business, personal efforts, spiritual endeavors, tasks I set out to accomplish, personal goals set for myself, and likely many more. It’s been a year of failures in the way that I look back and see myself at a multitude of intervals (including now) experiencing failure acutely or struggling with an ongoing sense of failure that hasn’t yet turned a corner, has not yet been put to rest, or is accentuated in its particular failings at that time. Any way you slice it, it’s been a swim through the Sea of Failure - a parade of accumulated failures all decorated to match.
“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
This statement has been how I’ve lived much of the past 20 years of my life, particularly the second half of the quote. However, trying to succeed, albeit noble in its effort, does not necessarily absolve one from being self-destructive or even excessive in one’s efforts. Therein lies the deep inquiry…
What is the motivation?
Do we seek success as a measure of our worth ~ at least as much as, if not more than ~ a desire to express ourselves fully and achieve what we are capable of?
That is the dance, I believe, for I have witnessed myself go to extremes in order to achieve something that I have set myself up to do, over and over again. In fact, it is often not anything I see others doing - so it’s much less about competition with others. It’s a matter of achieving something I desire (or something I see that needs to be done in the world) as well as putting myself into a nearly impossible situation which I can squeeze through to the other side. This satiates a need, I feel, not just to achieve an end goal, but to experience the intensity of the process.
This intense process may very well replicate a previous intense process that did not culminate as planned or expected (eg. birthing). This can become a subconscious driving force for many who continually seek to put themselves either in potentially deadly situations (eg. extreme sports), dangerous habits and risky situations (eg. drug usage, excessive alcohol consumption), or under extreme workloads, for example. I have only lightly dabbled in the first, was heavily into the second category in my younger adult years, and have fully inhabited the third for the past 15 years.
Setting high standards for oneself is an excellent tool for achieving what you desire. Taken to excess, however, these exceptionally high measuring sticks may become an overwhelming energy suck that takes one out of the present moment (which may actually be the hidden reason for habitually setting really high performance standards).
As in all things in life, balance is the key, but balance is not a position to occupy so much as an approach to an experience. Mediating excessive tendencies while challenging habitual hesitancies is a process towards regaining control over one’s life and opening oneself to the abundance that awaits us just beyond the threshold.
The threshold marks the doorway delimiting one state of being (a frame of mind) and another new state of being. Crossing this threshold takes courage. Failure may consist of moving across a threshold repeatedly through a sort of revolving door, aka, an eddy in one’s life. As stated above, this may involve satisfying a need to simply experience the arduous task, yet not allowing it to come to fruition - just so it can be experienced again, and again. The repetition of the cycle is the cue to wake up and pay attention.
This relates to many experiences I’ve had with several plants. Through our journeying together, I will suddenly see images from past experiences with acute detail at the particular moment where a feeling was present for me. It is then incumbent upon me to explore this feeling now at this present moment and follow where it takes me.
Where it takes me may feel quite uncomfortable, with a feeling of “stuckness”, that I may instinctively wish to ‘go elsewhere’ in my mind and not simply sit with the feeling. This is the process of developing self-awareness, and in turn, integrity (becoming integrated, whole), that plants are more than willing to help us move towards.
Most recently, on the first day of the Winter Solstice period, I sat with a pair of old oaks in a familiar place where I have conducted ceremony in the past, alone or with groups. Here I was invited to lay with the Earth and feel myself upon it. In that, memories of my young childhood were brought to my mind and there I experienced a profound feeling - unconditional love. My two paternal grandparents were present with me as I lay on the Earth before those two great oak trees reminding me of the unconditional love they showed me as a young child. My grandfather left this Earth almost 46 years ago, and still, nearly every time I think of him or speak of him, I am brought to tears. It was in this moment, of feeling myself in stillness upon the Earth, that I finally became aware of the source of the sadness (other than great longing to have my grandfather by my side once again) that filled me each time I spoke of him - it was the unconditional love that I knew from him, all too briefly, before he left this Earth. It was a unique experience for me in my childhood (as I’m sure it has been for many of us) that I was able to experience this with him and my grandmother.
Sitting with the great Arizona oak in the shaded canyon, I was guided to do a quick reading with the Ogham fidh I had brought along. Pulling fidh is a form of divination practiced by some followers of the ancient Druidic ways and may or may not have been utilized in this way in the ancient past. I’m inclined to believe that it was certainly used as a way to tap into cosmological order and intelligence to gain insights and extract meaning from the interconnected reality between ourselves and the natural world.
Seeking out guidance towards the full expression of my Self, I placed my tranquil mind upon the leather pouch of feadha (multiple of fidh) feeling for the connection to my internal knowing, to be expressed to me through the symbolic cosmology within them. This, I believe, is the work of the Creator and to connect with it with intelligence is an effort towards embodying the full potential that Creator gave us. The ‘words of the Creator’, so to speak, are the elements of Nature, the seasons of the year, the expressions of life as tree, whale, elk, and lichen. Just as each of these life forms are expressed through their own nature, they are also expressions of their interactions with all life around them - just as we are. To tap into this knowledge that exists all around us is to connect to Creator, to work towards inhabiting the co-creative faculties within us. And it is this very time of year when I feel that these energies are most deeply accessible to us carrying tremendous creative potential to heal, grow, and manifest new forms and expressions in our reality.
I slowly reached into the bag feeling my way around for what felt “right” and pulled out the eadha fidh, aspen.
Aspen is one of the original Bach flower remedies used for nameless fear and it is also a profound emotional heart remedy which I have had many significant experiences with. It is a tree that I feel very close to and resonate with so it was no surprise that I would find it in my hand by following my internal guidance.
Within the Ogham cosmology, Eadha relates to shielding and in the Cunnings it is referred to as “distinguished wood”. In my experience, the trembling of the aspen leaves reverberate in a way that resonates with the nervous systems of those who carry a deep trauma that stimulates their survival mechanism. Both warriors and those who’ve experienced sexual trauma would relate to this frequency of the aspen. As to the shielding, the aspen represents the vanguard. It is a pioneering tree in the mountains post-fire. Its bark is covered with a thin layer of white chalk, akin to war paint. The aspen reflects the birch in appearance - both of smooth, white bark - so aspen shares some aspects of the otherworldly resonance of birch (representing birth, or transitioning from the world of the dead to the world of the living - itself a heroic act, not unlike dying on the battlefield in defense of what one loves), while representing the warrior spirit; that which is in defense of life, fights to preserve one’s own life, and helps other life forms reconnect to the creative harmonics of life on Earth when destructive dissonance has been introduced into their system (that could spawn an extensive discussion as to where the art of war really comes from).
The aspen is now, and forever, my ally, and I can feel a sense of wholeness returning to my mind as I simply envision its presence before me or recall walking through thick stands of aspen carpeting a mountainside with their integrated root system - a link between Earth & Sky.
So like George Bailey (It’s a Wonderful Life), I would say that I’ve been gifted an opportunity (at many stages along the way) to recognize the beauty of the world around me, as well as appreciate some of my contributions (despite continually emphasizing for myself what I have yet failed to accomplish, or even put into motion) so as to feel the weight lifted from me just enough to start another day feeling refreshed and ready to see what I can accomplish or create.
I’ve found that it requires a continual reassessing. There’s no particular place to arrive at but I must discipline myself to do the work that I’ve understood is there for me to do. Making alliances with plant beings is hard work, and I have likely failed more often than not in fully following through on what I accepted as my mission, or personal work.
Yet just like the inscription in the book that the newly promoted angel Clarence left for George Bailey (“No man is a failure who has friends”), if I haven’t at least made friends amongst the plants, I don’t know what.
May we all have the courage to meet the fear of failure head on, learning and growing as we go.
2023 was a year of failure for me too. I was so curious, so I had to subscribe. I have compassion for your struggle. And sitting with my feelings around my own personal hell- reading this was nice. Thanks.
My beloved Brother John, (as we are brothers together, standing in awe of our Father Creator.)
I just now saw your post about "a year of failure." The title immediately brought on some sadness within me, but then I was quickly encouraged by your Churchill quote, which, by the way, has been hanging on my living room wall for years...right in front of me where I am now standing at 10:39 this evening.
And below that powerful photo of a brightly lighted threshold with that open doorway above it, you wrote;
"The threshold marks the doorway delimiting one state of being (a frame of mind) and another new state of being. Crossing this threshold takes courage."
Your words remind me of a sacred, ancient writing that is precious to me;
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear My voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with Me." (The Book of Revelation 3:20)
And your words touched me deeply as you wrote about your departed grandfather as you laid on the Earth before those two great oak trees, reminiscing about his unconditional love that he showered over you. Sadly, I never met either one of my grandfathers. Your treasuring of his unconditional love toward you meant a lot to me as I strive to genuinely exhibit that same kind of love toward my twin granddaughters here in Tucson. I pray that when I'm gone from this Earth, these beyond-precious-twin-souls will look back into their memories of me with similar deeply held feelings that you have toward your beloved grandfather.
And finally, as I'm entering my 72nd year here on Earth, for decades, there's always been something VERY special to me about the Aspen people. Thank you for sharing your insights about these amazing creatures...your insights confirm my deep feelings for them, edified me in learning more about them, and spurs me on to engage even more with my Aspen friends in the coming months and years. Being high up on a mountainside, alone with them in a secluded grove, goes beyond words for me to describe. From the sound of their joyfully vibrating new leaves, so green and bright during springtime, to the strong, sweet aroma of their bark, up close, as I give and receive long hugs from them, as we are all together, so peaceful, standing there in the snow.
Thank you so much for encouraging me in these ways, John! You are a gift from our Creator to me!